IR398: Identities of Chinese Adoptees

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Coming to Terms with my Shame and Disconnect from my Chinese Identity

My progression of understanding my identity became increasingly complex going into adulthood. People’s perceptions of me never crossed my mind. Frequently, my childhood self perceived myself as white because my parents and the majority of my peers were, but I subconsciously understood I was perceived differently. Ethnically, I am Chinese, and I never struggled to disclose it on applications. Despite that, checking the “Asian” box in no way encompasses how I define my identity. I’ve learned that the environment and peers I surround myself with determine the identity I attempt to selectively choose in the moment. In the context of the multifaceted Asian American identity, college prompted me to deeply question my belonging to the Asian American community.

I know my white friends’ privilege does not extend to me, and I had an Asian American friend who saw me as “not Asian enough”. Thoughts like this convinced me I was not Asian enough, and I continue to experience uncomfortable moments around “real” Asians. Is there such a thing? No. Either way, I find myself in an indistinguishable grey zone trying to convince myself that I am enough.

There are many discourses covering aspects of Chinese adoptees’ journey. I focus on the situation and perspective I am most familiar with, white adoptive parents to a Chinese girl. This is an unsurprising family structure because 92% of U.S. parents who adopt internationally are white. A majority of Chinese adoptees not living in densely populated areas of Asian Americans like San Francisco or New York are in the Midwest. My parents are from Minnesota and Wisconsin, and I have an older sister adopted from the same province. We look like your typical family of older white parents with Chinese girls. We are as dysfunctional as the next family. 

The following topic sections are how I come to terms with my shame and disconnect from my Chinese identity.

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Identity: Preservation and formulation 

Formulation and preservation of your identity depend on your interpretation of identity. Are your relatives, language skills, or cultural environment defining you? Some parents attempt to retain their child’s Chineseness, but is that authentic Chineseness? Do their purchases of Chinese dolls, jade beads, and red dresses preserve cultural identity? Participation in commodified practices and selective exposure to Chinese capitalism is among the most recognized efforts to retain adoptive childrens’ connection to their birth culture. My family and I belonged to Families with Children from China (FCC). Leading organizers were white, and some parents were board members. We ate take-out dumplings and listened to Chinese songs we couldn’t understand. Most of what I considered my cultural experiences consisted of my American upbringing and Chinese culture snippets through FCC and culture camps. Parents like mine intended for their children to gain a sense of Chinese identity, but is it justifiable to call our experiences authentic Chineseness?

Half of the time, there is no second thought to the negotiation between Chineseness and Americanness. My participation in constructed Chinese culture dwindled severely as my interest did not exist as a child. I believe children of parents who did not teach their children about Chinese culture had no more interest than myself. My belief is that no amount of effort by my parent or myself allowed me to feel at home in any community. I could not make myself any more white or Chinese.

Chinese cultural Authenticity

My version of cultural exposure was not the same as non-adopted Chinese children. How authentic am I compared to Chinese children raised by Chinese parents? Since college, I have found it challenging to claim Chinese status amongst other Asians. Are our newly created traditions made by our white parents a reinvention of Chinese Americanness? In mainland China, they have a range of varying ethnic Chinese cultural practices affected by history and geopolitical factors. White parents celebrating our multiculturalism is our best option or version of reframing Chinese American culture that we do not inherit. The cost to us is our decontextualized forms of celebrating our multiculturalism. I did not grow up feeling any connection to immigrant history, nor did my parents know how to address racism. It is difficult to gain a sense of comfort or validation when it is a white person validating your racist experience.

I appreciate my parents wanting to make an effort to teach me about Chinese culture. Growing up, most of our meals were Chinese, and I have plenty of tangible pieces that symbolize China. Despite persistent efforts to expose me to Chinese culture, how much of my white parents’ culture construction developed my understanding of race and culture? No matter the Chinese exposure I was always more comfortable verbalizing my identity as an American than Chinese. Adoptees will never have cultural authenticity of life without adoption, but their Chineseness cannot be unauthenticated. I will always remember that my Chinese American identity is bound by a permanent loss of people and culture, but the loss coexists with the gain of another culture family.

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White Adoptive Parent Privilege 

White adoptive parents experience their racial and ethnic identities differently than their adoptive children. Regardless of parents’ intentions, their children may experience bonding and abandonment issues. To this day my mother is convinced that I have attachment issues because I was adopted at the age of two. Beneath the surface, I imagine that belief strengthens the obligatory feeling to acknowledge her child’s racial and cultural origins. My biological parents were not the ones who consensually removed me from my birth county nor am I a child of Chinese immigrants. Nevertheless, myself and other adoptees are perceived collectively through stereotypes. White familial upbringing does not automatically extend the white privilege to Chinese adoptees. Methods parents may use such as colorblind approaches inhibit adoptees' ability to deal with racist and discriminatory remarks. Heritage can be ignored for a time, but minority groups do not have the privilege to pick and choose when they want to express their heritage. Racial minorities are permanently linked to histories of prejudice and oppression. We cannot choose when to display or hide select aspects of our ethnicity.